Tag Archives: depression

Holding Back The Years

By | October 20, 2018

I have been feeling pathetically old lately. I’m actually only 51, but the gray-haired stranger that stares out of the mirror at me is someone who (to me) looks far closer to joining Marley (who was dead, make no mistake about that) than I’d like. I need to arrest my slow decline by becoming much more active, one… Read More »

I Hate My Brain

By | October 10, 2018

My brain lies to me all the time. Right now there is nothing wrong with my life. Everything’s okay. Work is fine. I’m not over my head in debt. The weather’s fine. I need to lose about 40 pounds (okay, that’s one major dissatisfier), but otherwise I’m not in desperately poor health or anything. To the best of my… Read More »

Marching Toward Oblivion, Part 1

By | October 2, 2018

In a few short years I won’t exist anymore. That’s true of everyone, obviously. To the best of my knowledge, everyone dies in the end. Some of us are fortunate enough to die happy, surrounded by family, secure in the knowledge that those they love are provided for and that all will be well. Lots of people die… Read More »

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

By | April 30, 2017

I apologize to everyone for being a tiresomely annoying, self-centered, whiny, attention-whoring, angry, malicious jerk. I wish I could make amends to everyone I’ve harmed. Since I can’t, I am planning on more-or-less permanently deactivating all my social media accounts. If, in the short term, you would like a personal apology, let me know. It’s always hard to… Read More »

Clinical Depression

By | April 18, 2017

I don’t think I’ve ever come right out and thanked my friends and co-workers and family members for being understanding and tolerant where my clinical depression is concerned. I’ve been mostly focused on saying “Look, I know what a huge drag I am, I’m sorry.” But I do appreciate people who tolerate my periodic descents into maudlin woolgathering and… Read More »

I’m the worst person in the world

By | March 27, 2017

I am mentally ill. My mental illness takes the form of severe depression mixed with PTSD. My depression is partly due to heredity and partly due to environment. It’s the nature of the thing that it’s sometimes hard to draw a fine line between the two. My maternal grandmother was institutionalized in Florida off and on for much… Read More »

Dammit, Ennui

By | March 19, 2017

Today is a bright sunny, chilly day with the remnants of this week’s snowstorm all around outside serving as a reminder that although spring may technically start tomorrow, astronomically speaking, Vermont usually has other ideas. Carole is out at a meeting somewhere downtown, and then after that she’s got a symphonic reading with one of her orchestral groups. This… Read More »

Wanted: Rundown Waterfront Motel for Depressing Experience

By | October 7, 2016

As you all know, I’m all about the “wallowing in depression”. Carole’s going to visit her parents in Ohio for Thanksgiving (Oakwood, a suburb of Dayton, FWIW) and I have no plans. I found myself pondering today, “What would be the most depressing place to spend Thanksgiving by oneself?” I don’t mean “in solitary confinement in a Supermax”… Read More »

Spectacularly bad

By | July 11, 2016

Depression is rarely boring, despite what one might expect. I woke up Sunday morning (having slept in while Carole went off to church) with a full-on the-world-is-ending I-am-utterly-alone panic attack. I literally felt as though I was drowning, gasping for breath, my heart pounding in my chest like a jackhammer. Carole came home in the middle of it… Read More »

Drowning

By | May 16, 2016

Though this is not going to come as a newsflash to anyone who knows me, I’ve been suffering from severe depression for a few years now. Of late I’ve been so depressed that at the end of each working day I’ve simply gone home (or to the hotel, when I’m traveling for work), eaten something, and then gotten… Read More »