The onset of darkness

By | September 9, 2019

The morning after the New England 3-Day, I find myself feeling tired, depressed, and kind of pathetic. I worked my tuchus off all weekend and now it’s over and I have nothing to look forward to for a very long time.

This year has been kind of about

work
work
work
Trip to NC over Memorial Day Weekend
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work
work
Trip to NYC to see “Hamilton” and “Wicked”
work
work
work
Walk Twin Cities 3-Day
work
work
work
Crew New England 3-Day

but now the foreseeable future for a long way out is:

work
work
work
work
work
work
work

No vacations planned, no special events to look forward to, just a long Vermont winter and the onset of my usual I’m-so-pathetic-and-everyone-hates-me blues.

Major depression is a real illness and mine happens to be drug-resistant and very hard to treat.

Past experience has shown me that the smartest thing to do, when my depression starts to get bad, is to simply delete/deactivate my social media accounts. No one ever notices my absence, no one ever reaches out to say “hey, you’ve disappeared, how are you??” And that’s perfectly understandable. People are busy and have their own lives, and no one would put me on their list of top ten (or twenty, or fifty) friends.

And pulling a vanishing act has one major thing to recommend it — if I don’t even have a social media presence, I can’t use it to do pathetic, lonely things on those days when my depression is really out of control. And that means “fewer things to regret doing later.”

So if I do kinda drop off the surface of the Earth here in a few days or weeks, it won’t be because I’ve cried “goodbye cruel world” and jumped into a pond.

It’ll be because it’s the easiest way to avoid embarrassing myself worse.

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2 thoughts on “The onset of darkness

  1. Diana

    Jay, please be careful. Just lost a friend and prominent Christiansburg resident to suicide that we didn’t realize was at that point. Can’t lose another friend

    1. jayfurr

      Not feeling suicidal. I have enough on the ball to realize that my brain is basically lying to me.

      My main concern at this point is to avoid idiotic public displays of “look how bad I feel”. No one needs that, and it doesn’t actually make me feel better.

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