I WILL BE COMPETING IN THE 2018 LUND FAMILY CENTER “PITCHIN’ FOR A PURPOSE” CORNHOLE TOURNAMENT.
I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL
YEA VERILY THERE WILL BE WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH. AMONG MY FOES, THAT IS
THE LUND CENTER DOES VERY GOOD WORK TO SUPPORT FAMILIES, PREGNANT AND PARENTING TEENS, YOUNG ADULTS, AND ADOPTIVE FAMILIES. NO NEED FOR GNASHING THERE! HA HA HA
PLEASE SPONSOR ME AND IN SO DOING HELP FUND THE VITAL PROGRAMS THAT SUPPORT WOMEN AND CHILDREN ACROSS VERMONT.
I SHALL BESTRIDE MY OPPONENTS LIKE A COLOSSUS OF YORE. COME WATCH ME AT BURLINGTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ON MAY 12 STARTING AT 11 AM. BRING SUNGLASSES TO PROTECT YOUR EYES FROM THE MAGNIFICENCE OF MY CORNHOLE BAG PITCHING GLORY
OH MY YES
The lovely folks at the Vermont Lake Monsters minor league baseball team (short-season A, New York-Penn League) offered a special deal this year — for a low, low price, their team mascot, Champ, would deliver flowers, chocolates, a special customized card, and vouchers for two game tickets to the special person of your choice. Needless to say, I didn’t pass such an opportunity up.
Carole was amused.
Note 1: Carole, like any adult, has occasional bad dreams that prevent her from getting a good night’s sleep.
Note 2: Carole typically has a terrible temper in the morning, made even worse by tossing and turning all night.
Note 3: Carole would like to come downstairs to the room I sleep in (when I’m in town) and be comforted after a bad night, but, unfortunately, her terrible temper means it’s hard, if not impossible, for her to find a polite way to request said comforting services. And she doesn’t want to come down and just yell at me when I didn’t do anything wrong.
So I suggested that I simply put up a poster somewhere in her room where she could wake up and see it, something that said something along these lines: “IN CASE OF HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES AND YOU NEED COMFORTING, TELL JAY THE HOONS HAVE BEEN SQUAWKING”.
She liked that idea a lot.
So I blew a few minutes, needing no further encouragement to exert my creativity in pursuit of inanity, and produced the following:
I think that oughtta do the trick for even the surliest Carole, don’t you?
With the 2018 Federal government shutdown careering along, I thought I’d share a treasured old, but true, story.
Carole and I were on our first date on Saturday, December 16, 1995 in downtown Washington, DC — during the 1995 Clinton/Dole/Gingrich shutdown of fond memory. There was nothing else open in DC thanks to the shutdown so we went for a walk around the Mall and Washington Monument and environs.
An ABC TV news crew was there at the Washington Monument interviewing tourists, and since we were just about the only tourists there (except one cranky old guy and a bunch of homeless people) we of course got interviewed. Didn’t know until later that we’d actually been aired as part of that evening’s ABC World News Tonight, but Carole’s dad had set the VCR to record just in case, so that’s why we’ve got the video to share (see below).
I suspect we’re just about the only married couple who can truthfully say that their first date was aired on national television as part of the evening news. We got married in September of 1997 and are still married twenty years (and two more shutdowns) later.
Until today, I had no idea that Elvis had been using “Also Sprach Zarathustra” (a.k.a. the opening theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey”) at his concerts in the 1970s. Nor that asking an Amazon Echo Spot device to play “Also Sprach Zarathustra” would invoke the Elvis version. But of course it does.
Welcome to the 21st century, folks!
Once in a while, when you’re not looking, life up and hands you an absolutely perfect moment. It may be brief. It may not be obvious to others. It may defy explanation altogether. But when one happens, you take down every detail, note every facet, and treasure it forever.
For me, one such perfect moment happened during the summer of 2000 when Carole was working as box office manager for the Vermont Symphony Orchestra. In other words, she sold tickets to people who stopped by the office, mailed tickets out to subscribers, and manned a mobile ticket sales table when the VSO went on the road to play concerts around Vermont. The VSO annually holds outdoor concerts for the Fourth of July in places like Rutland and Manchester and Shelburne and Quechee. I went along to most of the concerts to keep Carole company and to serve as all-purpose gopher, roadie, and coordinator of volunteers.
One concert took place at Hildene, the home of Abraham Lincoln’s son Robert, just outside Manchester in southern Vermont. It was a hot sunny day, not a cloud in the sky, just perfect for an outdoor concert with fireworks and the 1812 overture (which together, could reliably be counted on to set off half of the car alarms in the parking lot). The big outdoor tent was set up at one end of a field and Carole’s table was at the opposite end of the field, near where everyone was supposed to park. We had quite a few volunteers show up to help hand out programs, direct people to parking, handle will-call ticket pickup, and so on.
Unfortunately, the rest of the VSO staff mostly hung out over at the tent and stage prior to the concert and paid our part of the operation no attention whatsoever… so this meant that no one brought us any water. We all got fairly punchy standing around, thirsty, in the sun, smiling politely at the concertgoers walking in with their bottles of wine and their coolers full of picnic food and drink.
Finally, at one point, some of the other staff did wander over. There was a little knot of ’em: the development director, the assistant development director, the publicity and advertising director, the overall office manager, and Carole. Lurking a few feet away was yours truly, quietly eavesdropping but not overtly paying attention.
And that’s when it happened. They were discussing logistics and what still needed to be done before the concert started, and one of them — I think it was Mary, the development director, started to say “We need more… we need more…” and then couldn’t think of the word she wanted.
I happily filled the gap in for her, although probably not with the actual word she’d been groping for:
I said it in this polite, quiet, helpful, friendly way that left no doubt whatsoever as to what I’d said, only for their brains to utterly crash trying to make what I’d said make sense. It was absolutely perfect: everyone in that little circle of people had the most “what the ___” looks on their faces. Total, unequivocal pole-axed confusion.
Everyone, that is, except Carole, who of course was used to me saying strange random gibberish at the oddest of times, and who was kind of peeved at the rest of the staff over having been ignored and not having gotten supplied with water and all that — she was trying hard not to wet her pants laughing.
As for me, I was also trying hard to avoid laughing — it was important for the overall effect to work to look absolutely composed and calm, as though I expected my comment to make sense in context. But in my head, I was going “Where the hell did that come from?” Sometimes I even surprise myself.
Neither of us had ever seen a group of people all suffer simultaneous blue screens. It was just an absolutely marvelous moment. If I could’ve, I’d have taken a picture right then and I’d hang it on my wall and look at it on cold winter nights.
I’ve got an Amazon.com wish list. Woo-hoo!
Okay, so what? So do a lot of people. It’d probably be easier to list the people who don’t. I’ve got a friend who has a pet bunny and the bunny has a wish list. You wander around the net, reading stuff on blogs and forums, and it’s more or less inevitable that at some point you’ll come across some stranger’s wish list, posted on the off chance that a random reader might be so taken by the author’s analysis of Freud’s seduction theory as to want to drop $25 and send the author a pair of Hello Kitty snow socks. Some people want a lot of Harley-Davidson miscellany. Some people want semi-precious rocks. You name it, someone’s probably hopefully added it to their wish list in hopes some stranger might one day have a momentary lapse of reason. (Okay, I can’t recall seeing anyone posting their wish list for Leather Masters, but that’s probably because I don’t tend to hang out in those communities.)
If you were bored enough to look at my wish list, you’ll notice my tastes and wishes are a little more pedestrian — mostly I use it to keep track of books I’d like to buy and read but haven’t because I, er, already have a library cart full of impulse purchase books and don’t want to have to buy another right away. But I also keep a few stupid-ass items on my list just to confuse someone who might wind up there, maybe some randomly-paired Secret Santa partner who winds up trying to buy me something despite having absolutely no idea who I am.
Case in point:
Well, Carole usually has no idea whatsoever what to get me for birthdays and Christmas and most years just gives me a card and shaves my back and calls us even, but this year she decided to put in a little effort. And promptly wound up on my Amazon wish list, which I hadn’t really expected anyone to actually use — as I said, it’s mostly books I want to remember to think about buying one day, and strange crap put there to confuse strangers.
And, oh — I almost forgot…
Thank you, my 2017 Secret Santa!
I’m a graduate of the University of Georgia (class of ’88) and of Virginia Tech (master’s, ’90). In other words, I matriculated at two of the biggest “football factory” universities in the USA. They’re fine institutions in their own right, but when you mention either to the average American, the first thought that comes to mind isn’t “excellent engineering programs” or “cutting edge bioscience research”. It’s “football”.
I’m not immune to the all-pervasive influence of the gridiron. One of the main reasons I attended UGA despite growing up in Blacksburg, Virginia (home of Virginia Tech) was to attend a university with a lot of school spirit, and Georgia had that and then some after being named the college football national champions in 1980 and playing for the championship the next two years. People cared about attending UGA. A visit to the Georgia campus in the spring of 1984 showed that plainly: everywhere I looked, people had on Georgia spirit wear.
Back in Blacksburg, which hadn’t yet started its climb into the national football spotlight, people basically didn’t seem to care at all. It was just a place; you went there, you got your degree, you left. A lot of that had to do with the Hokies’ sports programs — never played for a championship in anything, never set the world on fire, never had people talking about ’em at the water cooler on Monday morning.
Academically, does it make sense to evaluate a university on this basis? Obviously not. But then again, when I was 17 and applying to college, I didn’t give a damn about academics. I’d been a loser my whole life and wanted to go off somewhere where I could start over, have a lot of opportunities, enjoy being there. Academics was pretty far down my list of criteria. (The phrase “Brilliant, but lazy” could have been invented to describe me.)
All across the USA, sports seem to make a huge impact on perception of institutional worth. You win your conference, you win a big bowl, you make the basketball Final Four, etcetera, etcetera — alumni open their checkbooks. Anyone who’s ever followed college sports knows this.
My raising this point probably all comes as pretty out of the blue, given that Georgia is going to be playing for the football national championship on Monday night against Alabama, their first shot at the national championship since I packed my bags and headed off to Athens in the first place. I know what you’re saying: “now he speaks up?”
I’m full of contradictions. I’m still a big Georgia and Virginia Tech fan, but on the other hand, I can’t help wishing football and sports in general played a lot less of a role in our society, and certainly in higher education.
Football runs academics. Universities are more like sports programs with classrooms attached. The NCAA Power 5 conferences behave as a law unto themselves, doing whatever they want and to hell with right and wrong. They refuse to let the NCAA actually run the football playoffs as they do in every other college sport — football money is too important and those NCAA bureaucrats would just screw things up! They lock the “Group of 5” teams into second-class status, even if, like UCF did this year, they go undefeated and beat the best the Power 5 conferences have to offer (Auburn, which beat both UGA and Alabama). It’s all about money, who has it, and who wants to keep it. Sports = money, and money = sports. In 39 states, the highest paid public employee is a college football coach.
People care more about whether “their” team is going to “win big next year” than whether they can pay their own bills, the quality of their kids’ schools, the environment, you name it. Here in Vermont, we’ve got a group of what I frankly consider idiots who are still fighting the South Burlington school board’s decision to change the high school sports’ teams mascot from “Rebels” to “Wolves”.
I mean, really? That’s what you consider a huge priority? I want to go shake these people and say “Are you so entrenched in the past, so rooted in your glory days from high school, that you can’t imagine the high school’s freakin’ MASCOT changing without grabbing a pitchfork and lighting a torch and heading down to the school board meeting with the rest of the angry mob?”
Don’t even get me started on those psychos in Pennsylvania who are still obsessed with proving Saint Joe Paterno was blameless and innocent in the Sandusky child molestation crimes.
There are high schools in Texas who’ve eliminated their foreign language programs at the same time they’ve paid for multi-million dollar football stadiums.
And yet, I’m a pot calling the kettle black. If you ever stop by my house, check out my closet. I’ve lost count of how many Virginia Tech and Georgia and Atlanta Braves and Durham Bulls and Vermont Lake Monsters caps and shirts and hoodies I own. I love sports, I love having something and somebody to root for, even if in the end I’m just using an imagined membership and affiliation to make up for how empty my own life is.
I love football. But if I could, I’d eliminate it tomorrow. And I’d probably accomplish nothing, because some other sport would just come along and replace it and continue to keep us from paying attention to society’s real problems.
I’ve had a cold for the last few days. It’s been annoying but manageable. Last night and today, a bad cough set in and I’m feeling a lot more puny than I otherwise had been. Carole had the same cold, but hers seems to be much better, which is good, since she had to start back to work today and I don’t really have to be anywhere work-related until next Monday.
When I feel sick and punchy, but can’t sleep any more because I’ve more or less slept myself out, I start posting idiotic answers to questions on Quora, the crowd-sourced advice site. I tend to focus on questions that haven’t gotten any answers so far, and as a consequence, my responses don’t attract a lot of attention either. And if you’ve ever been on Quora, you know that the big thing is getting “upvotes” for your answers. So here I am, feeling sick and irritable, posting inane gibberish, and then going “UPVOTE ME ALREADY I NEED VALIDATION”.
Back in the day when you were home sick from work you could just sit down in front of the television and watch morning game shows and then afternoon soap operas, but today we have more … refined ways to make time pass.
And for whatever reason, good or ill, in my case, that means “babbling pointlessly”. (And bringing in references to Cheez Whiz whether it’s relevant to the question at hand or not.)
Oh, if you actually wanted to see my blathering, click here.
Carole and I aren’t doing a damned thing this New Year’s, and it’s not because we lack options. It’s colder than hell outside (like, -10) and we both have colds. I know standing for hours in Times Square wishing desperately for a port-o-john is the more glamorous alternative, but no, we’re just going to stay home and take it easy.
I hope those of you who imbibe tonight remember designated drivers, Lyft, cabs, and if all else fails, try and find someplace to pass out where you won’t freeze to death.
Happy New Year, everyone!