Tag: depression

Holding Back The Years

I have been feeling pathetically old lately. I’m actually only 51, but the gray-haired stranger that stares out of the mirror at me is someone who (to me) looks far closer to joining Marley (who was dead, make no mistake about that) than I’d…

I Hate My Brain

My brain lies to me¬†all the time. Right now there is nothing wrong with my life. Everything’s okay. Work is fine. I’m not over my head in debt. The weather’s fine. I need to lose about 40 pounds (okay, that’s one major dissatisfier), but…

Marching Toward Oblivion, Part 1

In a few short years I won’t exist anymore. That’s true of everyone, obviously. To the best of my knowledge, everyone dies in the end. Some of us are fortunate enough to die happy, surrounded by family, secure in the knowledge that those they…

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

I apologize to everyone for being a tiresomely annoying, self-centered, whiny, attention-whoring, angry, malicious jerk. I wish I could make amends to everyone I’ve harmed. Since I can’t, I am planning on more-or-less permanently deactivating all my social media accounts. If, in the short…

Clinical Depression

I don’t think I’ve ever come right out and thanked my friends and co-workers and family members for being understanding and tolerant where my clinical depression is concerned. I’ve been mostly focused on saying “Look, I know what a huge drag I am, I’m…

I’m the worst person in the world

I am mentally ill. My mental illness takes the form of severe depression mixed with PTSD. My depression is partly due to heredity and partly due to environment. It’s the nature of the thing that it’s sometimes hard to draw a fine line between…

Dammit, Ennui

Today is a bright sunny, chilly day with the remnants of this week’s snowstorm all around outside serving as a reminder that although spring may technically¬†start tomorrow, astronomically speaking, Vermont usually has other ideas. Carole is out at a meeting somewhere downtown, and then…

Wanted: Rundown Waterfront Motel for Depressing Experience

As you all know, I’m all about the “wallowing in depression”. Carole’s going to visit her parents in Ohio for Thanksgiving (Oakwood, a suburb of Dayton, FWIW) and I have no plans. I found myself pondering today, “What would be the most depressing place…

Spectacularly bad

Depression is rarely boring, despite what one might expect. I woke up Sunday morning (having slept in while Carole went off to church) with a full-on the-world-is-ending I-am-utterly-alone panic attack. I literally felt as though I was drowning, gasping for breath, my heart pounding…

Drowning

Though this is not going to come as a newsflash to anyone who knows me, I’ve been suffering from severe depression for a few years now. Of late I’ve been so depressed that at the end of each working day I’ve simply gone home…

Ennui

You know you’re depressed and down and out of good ideas when you actually stop and contemplate mailing a letter to the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, to ask him what he thinks of Donald Trump. And then think “… and how the Kardashians fit into…

Cats

Hi, all. I’m in New York City this week doing training. Carole is back home starting her third week of unemployment. I didn’t post at the time, because it was a hard and troubling time, but yeah, Carole lost the job she’d had since…

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