Clinical Depression

cauldrons of lightly chilled mayonnaise

I don’t think I’ve ever come right out and thanked my friends and co-workers and family members for being understanding and tolerant where my clinical depression is concerned. I’ve been mostly focused on saying “Look, I know what a huge drag I am, I’m sorry.” But I do appreciate people who tolerate my periodic descents into maudlin woolgathering and breast-beating, and who attempt to understand how frustrating clinical depression can be.

Thank you all.

For what it’s worth, I am on medication (citalopram and buproprion) and I think it helps; on occasion when I forget to refill my daily pill minder and start procrastinating and saying “I’ll fill it tomorrow” I start feeling really down. But the medicine doesn’t make me feel normal; I still have days I feel so bad that I could just cry.

I am not currently seeing a psychotherapist or counselor. I have seen several in the past, and got some benefit, especially in terms of coaching me how to avoid fighting with my wife and how to avoid conflict. None of the talk therapy I’ve ever gone through has helped with the clinical depression. There are people that talk therapy helps, and people it doesn’t help. Obviously, failure to benefit from a particular therapist may mean that the therapist/patient relationship isn’t optimal, and one shouldn’t just give up entirely based on that. But I’ve seen quite a few therapists over the years, and I can’t really say that any therapist helped me deal with the maddening attacks of the blues that I get.

Reputable sources agree: talk therapy doesn’t always work, and it’s not for everyone.

It would help tremendously if I worked harder at getting a lot of regular exercise. I’ve gotten almost none for a few years now. Obviously, there’s a vicious circle there; because of the depression, I don’t exercise, but because I don’t exercise, I’m probably more depressed.

Maybe I can do something about that as warm weather comes to Vermont. Ideally, I’d go out and get some exercise this week after work since I’m in Lubbock, Texas and there’s definitely no snow on the ground here. Unfortunately, I’ve got too much work on my plate right now; I need to get out of here at the end of the day and go back to my room and just keep on working, and even if I didn’t, I’d probably just curl up in a dark room.

I feel like a failure and a loser for my inability to make inroads on my depression, but at least most/all of you seem to understand what I’m experiencing, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

 

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One Response to Clinical Depression

  1. Sandra Dahl says:

    Please continue speaking to us, Jay. We’re listening. Can’t “fix” you, but hopefully you know many of us care.

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